Creative Coping When a Parent is Away
I am by no means a therapist, just a mom who has been through the gauntlet of emotions that can arise from the temporary absence of a spouse. I like to think my children are pretty well adjusted but every month a new challenge will arise and I feel like I am back to square one. Here are few tips I have collected along the way.
Start with you first
I have learned that like with anything it starts at the top. Your kids are the biggest reflection of your well-being. If you are not coping with your loneliness, stress or anxiety your children won't be able to either. One of my teachers in college gave me one of the most useful tools that I have. Its pretty simple but I was never taught to do this before nor did I think of it myself. My teacher taught us how to free-write and made us do it daily. Free-writing is an exercise where you write continuously without rereading what you wrote or stopping to think. I try to write about a page, front and back every morning, especially when my husband is away.
What does this help me accomplish? It helps me realize what I am feeling without reaction. It gives me a minute to organize my thoughts and approach the day aware of what is brewing inside my brain. It can help prevent toxic feelings that will get in the way of your happiness. Sometimes allowing yourself to be petty on paper will help you realize your state of mind before it manifests into action. I find that when you have the ability to manage your emotions and validate them you can then take on your children's from a clearer perspective and not get overwhelmed by the task.
Kid Journals
With my husband leaving for work for a few months at a time, we often saw the kids go into a state of unease and anxiousness. For us, I found that if we were consistent with journaling while my husband was away the kid's had a better grip on things and it lead to less tantrums and a quicker adjustment period. Bonus: Having a journal is a great life skill and habit to get into.
Journal Recommendations:
Remember, You Are Braver Than You Believe!
A simple daily journal that helps kids think, write and draw about their feelings.
I think it is always important to be grateful for the things that you do have when you are at a low point. When my kids are missing Daddy I try to get them to focus on the fun they will have when he gets home. I also try to get them to grasp how lucky they are to feel that "missing" feeling. For instance, when they are missing Daddy's INFAMOUS Hugs I try to remind them that he does give the best hugs! How lucky is it to have a Dad who gives THE BEST HUGS IN THE WORLD? It usually gets a chuckle and gets them to relax a bit but it also gives them something to be thankful for.
The Mailbox
It's really hard for young kids to cope when a parent is far away for a longer period of time. Even though technology is awesome, sometimes its not enough to make a child feel close to the ones they miss. One main reason is that they are horrible at face-timing. They lick the screen, they don't understand delays or wifi and they just lack the vocabulary to express themselves. It is usually a mess.
The second reason it has been difficult for us in the past, is the consistency of communication. We have gone weeks at a time without being able to talk to my husband while he was at work. This can be really confusing for the kids. Try explaining cell phone service in the middle of the ocean to a one and a half year old.
To remedy the confusion we have a special mailbox for Daddy filled with artwork and stories of funny things that happen throughout the day. This helps them to still feel close to Daddy because they're able to get into a routine of making something for him as they think of him. It also adds to the excitement of him coming home and opening their mailboxes! Bonus: It keeps kids busy and quiet for a whole 5 minutes.
Toys x2
I mentioned before how hard it can be to face-time with a toddler. However, something my kids have always gotten a kick out of is seeing their Dad have an identical toy or book with him on the ship. Buying a comforting toy or book x's 2 can bring hours of joy to your kids. Their smiles light up when they see Dad brought their toy with him.
This trip Jade sent my husband off to work with her Moana necklace. "We are voyagers," she exclaimed and all of our hearts melted to goo.
Allow for cuddle days
Some days are good and some days are just sadder than others, especially holidays. On those days I've learned to just let my kids be. I always tell them its okay to be sad and set aside a little extra time for a cuddle when they need it the most.
Dance it out
Never underestimate the power that a living room dance party can have on your state of mind. Sometimes there is no better therapy then to just dance it out. Play your kids favorite songs and go buck wild. Lift them up, laugh with them, have fun and dance those blues away.